The function of the Welcoming Prayer is to bring situations, thoughts, and feelings into awareness and welcome them so that we can see the desires, needs, and fears underneath them. It is a welcoming of all reality, but especially the circumstances that are causing us the most troubles.
Background
Mary Mrozowski created the welcoming prayer as a companion to the Centering Prayer while she was one of Contemplative Outreach’s master teachers. Contemplative Outreach is a network of groups and people who carry forward the work of Father Thomas Keating and his vision for recovering the contemplative tradition in Christianity.
The contemplative tradition extends back to the meditation practices of the Carmelites and shows the contribution of John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila. The Carmelite tradition itself stretches back to 1220 when Latin hermits were know to reside on Mount Carmel. Mount Carmel itself has been considered a sacred place by Christians and Jews back at least to the time when Elisha served the kings of Judah from 892 until 832 BC, as an advisor. Prior to this Elisha had spent time on Mount Carmel, likely as part of a spiritual tradition. Some Egyptologists believe that Carmel was on a list of Egyptian pharaoh Thutmose III as a holy headland in the Canaanite territories, indicating that it was considered a sacred site since at least the 15th century BCE. Indeed Neanderthalic evidence reveals that Carmel has been continuously inhabited for 350,000 years.
As one of the “high places” where people sought God, Carmel symbolizes a tradition of monastic and pre-monastic spirituality that is deeply embedded in the human story.
While Fr. Keating was one of the principal architects and teachers of the Christian contemplative prayer movement, and while Contemplative Outreach is a manifestation of his work to restore the contemplative tradition, his inspiration was not the only one for Mary Mrozowski. She acknowledged the influence of the eighteenth-century work Abandonment to Divine Providence by Jean-Pierre de Caussade on her creation of the Welcoming Prayer, with it’s core theme of letting go and opening to the action of God within one’s life.
De Caussade emphasized the idea of surrendering to the divine will and accepting whatever happens as an opportunity to find our place in God’s plan. To De Caussade, finding our place involves trusting that God’s plan is unfolding in every moment, even if it may not align with our personal desires or expectations. If we want to live fully in the present moment aligned to God’s purpose, we must accept what is and let go of our desires in surrender to this higher plan.
It seems likely that this emphasis on acceptance and surrender was the catalysts to Mrozowski’s inspiration for the prayer. While much of De Caussade’s book presents fairly standard Christian spiritual guidance, this emphasis on letting go of our own plans is slightly different, both for De Caussade and for Mrozowski. Rather than focusing on some future paradise, the return of Jesus, or a reward after death, this spirituality involves a deliberate self-talk to relinquish control and let go of desires. This bears some resemblance to the idea in Christian spirituality of detachment from worldly objects and concerns, often referred to by the Greek term apatheia. But even this connection seems less coherent. Instead I suspect that Mrozowski and Keating were influenced to some degree by the monastic traditions of other religions in which non-attachment, or detachment are more specifically recommended. Non-attachment is a state in which a person overcomes their emotional attachment to or desire for things, people, or worldly concerns and thus attains a heightened perspective. It is considered a virtue and is promoted in Hinduism, Jainism, Taoism, and Buddhism. If Keating and Mrozowski were not influenced by these other traditions, then it provides evidence for a continuity of knowledge derived from contemplative traditions.
The idea of welcoming unpleasant feelings, thoughts, people, circumstances, and conditions and letting go of our desires for basic things like survival seems almost dangerous. Initially I wondered if this was a hold over of the flagellations and abuse of the body practiced as a part of the mediaeval theology that the body must be denied because it was part of the fallen state, it was the source or temptation and vice. Or perhaps a less severe practice of following Jesus’s ethic of giving to Caesar what is Caesar’s and considering the lilies of the field instead.
It is likely that both of these influences are present, but reinterpreted through a psychological lens.
The True and False Self
We know from Cynthia Bourgeault (in an interview with Tami Simon for Insights at the Edge) that Mary Mrozowski said to use “everything that came on her plate as an opportunity to send the false self a strong message, that these needs, which lead us around in our life like a chain in our nose, are not really compatible with human freedom.”
Thomas Keating said the welcoming prayer names the energy centers’ that run the false self-system, the desires for power, control, affection, esteem, approval, pleasure, survival, security.
So what is this false self and true self dichotomy?
False Self
The false self typically refers to the constructed identity formed by external influences, societal expectations, and personal experiences. It involves the ego’s development to meet perceived needs for survival, acceptance, and success. It includes the schemas or belief systems that protected us or that made things clear at some point in our life.
Characteristics: The false self is often characterized by attachment to material concerns, desires for approval, societal validation, and the pursuit of external goals. It is driven by fears, insecurities, and the need for control in the face of a seemingly chaotic and threatening environment.
True Self
The true self is considered the authentic core of an individual, transcending the ego and societal conditioning. It’s often associated with a deeper, more universal aspect of consciousness or divine connection. In some ways the true self is the un-masked authentic self, but in others it is the self beyond the individual, the collective self of the species or planet or universe.
Characteristics: The true self is said to be the source of inner peace, compassion, authenticity, and a sense of interconnectedness with others and the universe.
I think the true self, false self dualism is a simplified form of more complex theories, all lacking tangible connection to physiological correlates. The Wikipedia page outlines some of these theories.
Of particular interest to me is the intuitive grasp of important truths in this dualism. Mary Mrozowski recognized some truth in the paradox of welcoming reality through a contemplative mechanism. The prayer she created contains it’s own validation in the experience of practicing it. The more I say the prayer, the more I ponder it, the more effective it becomes at giving me relief and comfort.
A 2024 Perspective
If you believe in God, this ancient idea of surrendering to a better or higher plan is not a difficult concept to accept. If you don’t believe in God, does the prayer still have value? Students of history, evolution, and nature, often arrive at a conviction that the Universe, or at least our corner of it, is not governed by any master plan. We see a world of competition for resources, predation, treachery, and the grasping for power by narcissistic or psychopathic humans. These people seem to lack compassion, care, or concern for the suffering of others, and seem to give little thought to ethics or morality. For many Christians, this is the dark side, the evil fallen world, the world that Jesus came to save us from. But for many non-Christians, it is just reality. Can someone who doesn’t believe in God, still surrender? Is letting go of our desires and welcoming everything as it is, a healthy approach?
The simple answer is yes.
This idea of accepting what is, is supported in three prominent therapeutic practices.
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy encourages awareness without judgement of our thoughts and feelings;
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as the name implies, encourages individuals to accept their thoughts and feelings rather than attempting to eliminate or control them, and
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) uses the concept of radical acceptance to help clients fully accept reality and their emotions without judgment. It is a key component of dialectical thinking.
Perhaps the most helpful framework for understanding the value of something like the Welcoming Prayer, is Dr. Todd Pressman’s Deconstructing Anxiety method.
Welcoming What we Fear
In Pressman’s book, “Deconstructing Anxiety” he outlines the method which involves discovering the core fear behind any problem, and discovering the chief defense we use to cope with that fear.
The core fear is our most basic interpretation of danger, our sense of how the world can hurt us, deprive us of what we need, or keep us from the love and safety we desire.
Here is a brief example of how the Welcoming Prayer can be combined with the 5 core fears.
Fear # 1 Loss of Love
Pressman calls this abandonment. We all know this fear. It is a driving fear of all social animals. Being on the outside of the group, being left vulnerable and alone. The fear reflects the reality that we need others for protection, co-regulation of emotions, and a sense of belonging. We need others to help make sense of the world and give us a sense of our place in it all. We need others to live and thrive and accomplish important achievements. Left on our own, we tend to become unhinged and unwell.
Welcoming Prayer: When we internally welcome people who have betrayed or abandoned us, when we welcome loneliness and our thoughts about relationships and our feelings of loss and despair, we are doing what Pressman recommends. He recommends doing the opposite of what we have always done. So instead of grasping for love, fighting for attention, or demanding recognition, we open our hands and stop defending and blaming. Instead of defending ourselves and fighting for a place in the group, we let go of our desire for inclusion and let go of our desire for love. This paradoxical approach frees us of both a sense of failure to get love (we are not trying to get it) and the story we have created about our own lovability. The courage to look at our dependency on others, allows us to also see that others also need us.
Fear # 2 Loss of Identity
The second core fear is the loss of the ability to be authentic. The persona we create (the false self or selves) to protect us is often effective, reflecting our intelligence about what is expected from the group, what traits and characteristics are attractive, and what skills and talents will help us survive. We construct a self that is presentable, that helps us survive. We hide those aspects of ourself we think will result in judgment and criticism. In Jungian terms, the aspects of us we are ashamed of, or think can not be seen, become our shadow.
But at some point in our development we begin to identify the set of characteristics that feel the most authentic to us, the aspects of our being that we are proud of, or value, or just seem true. These are the things we identify with the most, they are our true identity. We fear what threatens both senses of identity, the public, and the personal.
Welcoming Prayer: When we welcome aspects of ourselves like our jealousy, our unhelpful belief’s, and our preferences, not to mention our mistakes, wounds, and failures, we robe those things of their power to work in our subconscious. In addition we have the opportunity to welcome exiled parts of our self. Internal Family System’s theory suggests that we have many parts and these parts drive us in different ways based on what they perceive about the world. Protector parts guard exile parts and this defensiveness is often holding us back, despite the best intentions of those parts. By welcoming all parts, we have the opportunity to re-assign tasks to our parts, giving them honorable and helpful jobs in the clear light of awareness.
Fear # 3 Loss of Meaning
Pressman says that meaning is what gives value and worth to our experience of ourselves in the world around us. I like the idea that meaning is about making sense of things. We need a reason to do something or we need to understand why what we are doing is worth doing. We have a deep desire to understand, “the meaning of life” and if we can not find it, or if we sense our life is not meaningful, or all of life is meaningless, it can be threatening and unsettling.
Welcoming Prayer: Interestingly, the Welcoming Prayer does not include, “I let go of my desire to make sense of things and find meaning in life.” I have, however, said these words when sitting with the prayer. This is because if we fear the loss of meaning we might desperately grasp the things in life that give us a sense of meaning, when in fact the time may have come to let them go. I also find that when I let go of the desire for meaning, it can be easier to accept what is, and come to terms with how we might make meaning in the middle of where we are, rather than in some future or absent activity, person, or experience.
Fear # 4 Loss of Purpose
Purpose is hard to separate from meaning, and often the two are used together as in, “we need a sense of meaning and purpose in our life.” Pressman says that the main distinction is that purpose is the movement to actualize meaning. In my case, for example, my purpose is “to notice what is important, appreciate what is beautiful and relax in the flow of God as I write and work for a better world.” By noticing, appreciating, relaxing, writing, and working for a better world, my life will be meaningful. The meaning is in the work of finding and fulfilling your purpose. Improving things is often the purpose people set for themselves. Without purpose we have no motivation, and asking the question, “what is the purpose of doing this?” often helps people see that it is important. I’m doing all this paperwork because it helps this organization run which provides essential services for my community, etc.
Welcoming Prayer: By letting go of the desire for purpose we discover just how attached we are to having a purpose. We feel that without a purpose there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for. Yet once we really do let go of the desire for purpose, we begin to see that purpose is not rare, and that all our different drives to improve things can work together. A gear’s purpose is to transmit torque to another engaged member with minimum noise and wear and maximum efficiency. Our purpose may be to transmit our ideas to other engaged member with minimum noise and confusion. Or we might find it is more dramatic or less essential. Never the less, our purpose seems to emerge if we pay attention to where we are in life.
Fear # 5 Loss of Life
The fear of annihilation, often manifesting as concerns about death, loss, or nonexistence. Includes the fear of pain or sickness that might lead to death.
Welcoming Prayer: In the Welcoming prayer we might say, “Welcome death, welcome pain, welcome sickness.” Our initial reaction might be to never say such things, that saying such things might make them actually happen. And this may be true, we may invoke the nocebo effect if we truly believe that welcoming illness will bring illness. The subtle distinction is that we are not asking to be sick or to die, we are simple welcoming sickness and death as the companions we know are on this journey with us. Rather than push them away, ignore or deny them, we make peace with them the more we acknowledge them. Likewise, life is more vibrant and valuable when we keep in mind how bad or short it could be.
Opening
The last part of the prayer is opening to the love and presence of God and God’s action within.
Many people who have a resistance to the possibility of God, are resisting the misuse of the idea of God by people who claim to know God, but in fact only know the power of God. They want that power, but often don’t want God.
When, however, something like the “reality is an elaborate video game” idea comes along, the popular belief that we are actually living in a simulation, then people have no problem thinking of an alien programmer setting the whole thing up. If such a programmer exists, then that entity is so much more developed or advanced than us, that chances are, we would do well to reach out to that entity.
For myself, I live in an ever shifting process of decerning what is and is not real. My experiences in nature, my highly sensitive intuitions on things bigger than myself, and my study of religion, science, and the insights of thoughtful people leads me to conclude that there is a great chain of being and my location in that chain is uncertain. It seems reasonable to imagine that there are entities greater than me and that those entities may be kind or cruel.
It is important to open to the kind entities and discerning the one from the other may actually be beyond human capacity. But still, i think the act of opening to someone or something wiser and more kind than I am, is a good exercise.
If it turns out that God does exist, then humility is an appropriate posture. Notice that we do not open to the hate and manipulation of God, no, we are addressing our opening to the one with the most love. This is, so far, the best we can do.